Seven tips to shorten your labor and delivery room stay

Recent mail excerpts (with changed names):

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Kyle,

Denise wants to know how you spent only 11 minutes in the delivery room with Tiffany. She may try the same thing...

Chau,

Martin

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Hi Martin,

Great question! Here are seven tips to help minimize your time in the delivery room:

1) Wait as long as humanly possible before leaving for the hospital--once you're admitted, they won't let you eat. Then wait 15 more minutes.

2) Don't pre-pack a hospital bag--do this after the said 15 minutes. Next, pause to take a relaxing hot shower.

3) Make sure you live 30 mins away from the hospital.

4) Enter the hospital through ER at night. This is because the person at the front desk will know nothing about delivering babies and will make you stand in the lobby for 25 mins or until a baby falls out, which ever comes first.

5) Wait patiently in Triage as they monitor you to see if you really are in labor. After they hook you up to all the equipment, threaten to push out a baby on the floor "if you don't get into a delivery room, pronto". At this point, they should start calling around for a room.

6) Coordinate with other expecting mothers in the area and come on a very busy night, so all the delivery rooms are either occupied or dirty.

7) Proceed to hold in the baby until the staff is ready to assist you. Then, one push should do it!

Hope this helps!

Cheers,
Kyle