In a few short weeks I will be halfway through with this pregnancy! I am extremely grateful to be over the worst of it. That third trimester is nothing cool and comfortable, but I'll take it over the vomit-trocity of the first trimester any day.
I have so many thoughts and feelings about expecting a baby (and will have more on Thursday after my gender-revealing ultrasound!). My feelings have already evolved so much since the beginning, but thankfully I recorded some of those earliest thoughts in a journal entry, parts of which I will paste below. This entry was drafted before the onset of my World War Food so I was all sunshine and lollipops about being preggie. Now that I'm feeling mostly better, many of those happy sentiments are returning, so posting about them feels genuine again.
You'd think this ordeal would be nothing special on my fourth go at it, but not so. I was more anxious and excited to take a pregnancy test this time than ever before, more devastated when the results were initially negative, and more elated when I fished the pee stick out of the trash minutes later and discovered the very faint-colored and happy truth.
This pregnancy has felt quite different from my others (I mean more than just the increase of severity in my physical symptoms). I do believe I appreciate and enjoy motherhood now more than ever. There is no question that divine intervention was in on the timing of this one. Ellie and Erik are both truly supportive and excited to welcome a new baby. Kyle is also on board (which is kind of a first for us--yay!). Yes, we are STILL poor students, but at least we have prospects of a career in our foreseeable future. I have finally forsaken all other hobbies and distractions-- I am Mom through and through, with nothing there to resent or regret. Plus, Charlie very much needs to be dethroned.
Our life circumstances leading up to the pregnancy were just ideal. They had to be in order to soften our hearts toward the idea. Actually, I'd been quite soft for several months. But anyway, for a few weeks there, it seemed like every single day went just swimmingly. Nothing too notable, just happy and lacking stress. Charlie seemed to be behaving better, sleeping longer, talking more, acting cuter. (Not long after we got pregnant, Charlie started acting crazy again, but at least he was a peach when it mattered most.) The other kids also behaved well and ridiculously cutely. I made yummy meals and everyone ate them. We went out and enjoyed beautiful weather and did a lot as a family. Something cute or funny would happen and Kyle and I would meet each others’ eyes and exchange a knowing smile, basking in the mutual feeling of near-surreal happiness that our current situation frequently provided.
Now I mean it that our happiness was not determined by what was happening to us. We were just happy. However, some events certainly boosted our gratitude and comfort. For instance, Kyle’s interviews with Cox and eventually being hired for a summer internship, and Kyle waking up one morning being willing to have another baby.
Yes, in the middle of March, Kyle woke up one morning before any of the kids had stirred and woke me up gently by asking me if I really wanted to have a baby. Well, you know how coherent and friendly I am when I’m being woken up, but I managed to grunt in the affirmative. He simply replied, “well, maybe having another baby wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world,” after which the kids stormed into the room, Charlie started crying, and our day commenced, taking us in separate, busy directions until nightfall. I may not have looked awake, but I heard what he said loud and clear and could not stop thinking about it all day with a goofy grin plastered to my face.
Well, some people may call this t.m.i., but this is my story and I tell it like it is. So, I just happened to be approaching ovulation that very next day. Quel coincidence? I think not. See, this is how we knew deity was in on our plan. We both feel strongly that the child who is coming to us in December is supposed to be born to us at this time. Kyle was nowhere near considering having another baby, and then the day before I ovulate he just wakes up a changed man on this ever-weighty of decisions? No no, this baby is part of our God-given plan.
Julie Beck said (during some conference some time) that we don't have children with money, but with faith. I've always loved that statement and made it my motto when it comes to this particular decision. We also don't have children with spare time or lack of stress. We just have them with faith. Nothing else could adequately persuade us to have four children in our short marriage. We have absolute faith that our lives are being guided by a supreme creator and that we have a mission to complete on this earth, parenting these children being a great part of it.
(I have neglected to photograph my quickly-expanding waistline (no really, someone today commented that I look ready to pop! Aren't those comments supposed to be reserved for the final hours of pregnancy?), but I look more or less like this girl. Only much bigger. And not owning such a cute sweater dress (not that I'd wear it in Phoenix). And also no cute, mustardy couch in sight. But yeah, pretty close.)