Thursday, June 26, 2008

Gray skies in Tianjin


This morning my feelings have been more or less congruent with the rainstorms we've had here the past few days. Ellie picked up on this, asking "Mom, why are you sad?" "Ummmm, because I don't feel happy." (Dumb answer, I know.) "Why don't you feel happy, Mom? You miss Daddy?" "Yeah, Ellie, I miss Daddy. And I miss Grandma and Grandpa, and Aunt Christie and Uncle Joe, and Aunt Mish (and I recited all the family members and friends) and I miss being able to handle stress and being able to keep the house clean and seeing sunshine and being able to buy groceries without Daddy's help and not stressing when we have people over and I miss looking forward to every day and I miss caring about people and things and enjoying playing with you and Didi and I miss --" "Mom, what are you talking about?"

"Good question, Ellie." I'm worried that going back to the US isn't going to make me feel happy and able to handle stress. I'm even worried that a good old anti-depressant won't do the trick. My life is different now than it was before Didi--perhaps I'll never be that old perky me again. I can't thank my family enough, though, for their encouragement and reassuring insights. (Indeed few families understand as much about depression as mine.) Despite the heaviness hanging over my heart, I know deep down inside that there's hope for recovery. I don't always believe in it, but the fact that those who love me do gives me the strength to persevere.

4 comments:

Bethany said...

This probably doesn't help at all, but I'm really glad you share your feelings like you do. It makes life much more realistic and it's refreshing to see someone express true feelings rather than trying to hide depression. I think you've made a big step toward recovery by talking openly about your struggles. You're in my prayers!

saracoral said...

In response to your previous post, I'm so happy you had such a liberating experience as to walk around naked with a bunch of strangers. We should all designate a day to do just that...or just go to the gym locker room, but that would require exercise - something I've sworn off! Looks like I'll come visit you so we can be naked together! In response to this post, I assume that when you talk about being your old perky self, you aren't referring to your anatomy - because you look great in all the pictures! I don't think life has to go back to how things were. That's the whole point of living right? We have experiences that change us and we're molded into who the Big Guy upstairs wants us to be. (Am I allowed to say Heavenly Father or will you have the Chinese version of the FBI (aka Jackie Chan) show up at your house and confiscate your computer?) Love you tons! Can't wait to see you again!

Taylor Family said...

are you having post baby blues or the regular stuff? I can totally understand either one. I struggled with it quite severely for a while. If you want to chat, I'm available anytime, even through e-mail. lizthewhiz@gmail.com Let me know if you need anything. Keep hangin' in there.

Marilyn said...

I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling depressed. I can't picture you that way at all, but I can totally relate. I have been taking antidepressants for over 20 years. Couldn't live without them. Most people say that they can't imagine me depressed, either. I am naturally a "perky" person also, but my brain chemistry has changed as I've aged and I just need my happy pills. But, I feel pretty darn good most of the time. There were several years there where I thought that my life was over. I'm happy to say that there is always hope. Email me about this and we can have a longer discussion. Love you!