Sunday, November 20, 2011

waiting for amelia

Well, I'm still large and in-charge and infant-less. With two and a half weeks until my official due date, I understand that this is normal. Still, given my birthing track record (Ellie-5 wks early, Erik-3 wks early, Charlie- 2 wks or 4 days early, depending on which due date you trust), I don't feel my anxiousness is entirely premature.

Unlike my last go at self-inducing labor, in which I tried absolutely every reliable and unreliable trick in the book, this time I am not-so-very desperate. This time I am more torn between wanting this pregnancy to end immediately and needing more time to check boxes off of my nesting list. Daily tasks drain my energy reserve enough that I am hacking away at that nesting list at a rather sluggish pace.

My former self, who lived off of veggie smoothies and never needed to sit down and rest once during the day (remember that? I was really like that!) could have swept away the entire list in a weekend. Oh well. That former self no longer exists. And while I look forward to reclaiming much of my body's proper functioning that's been lost over the past nine months, I also recognize that the newborn phase can be the most exhausting of all.

A friend recently asked me about how long it takes after having a baby for things to return to their former state of normalcy. I could only honestly answer that they never do. Yes, eventually you create a new state of normalcy, but that former dynamic with its ease and simplicity (in retrospect, of course) is permanently lost.

I hope I am ready for this.

Actually, to say that I am "ready" to mother four little ones is a presumption laden with denial. I have no expectation of being capable of caring for four on my own for quite some time. How do I anticipate our survival then, you ask?

Enter support network. Kyle's parents come in on Tuesday, as well as Mish for the weekend, and the Larsens will stay right up until my mom arrives. Then almost the entire Goodwin clan trickles in for Christmas and New Years. Kyle has most of January off of school and Mish will be living with us until the spring. Especially with that snuggly newborn around, Kjerstin will also often be around.

I feel very fortunate that we will be well taken care of. Our schedules and living arrangements will be rather skewed for a while, but that's a small price to pay for extra hands and attention spans to dedicate to my older three.

Yes, I suppose everything is going to be alright. I'll still welcome you without restraint any old moment you come, Amelia. In the mean time, though, I've got a closet to organize and some hair bows to whip up for your pretty little head. I look forward to kissing it very soon.