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Sunday, May 06, 2012
who am I kidding? I have no time to blog. These pics may assume amusing captions at a later day, but not today! my new motto: done is better than perfect.
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
people
I'm a full-fledged, extroverted yellow personality, down to every spontaneous, obnoxious trait. Part of this means that I don't like to be alone. I can't recall ever craving time to myself. Most of the time, this works out well as family and friends have lived with us for the greater part of our marriage, and when they're not officially part of the household, they're still in and out. We thoroughly enjoyed visits from Kyle's parents and my parents this past week.
Kyle left for three days early this morning and then promptly at 11:00, my lovely next-door neighbor picked up Mama, the last of our visitors to go, and whisked her off to the airport in a fancy, silver Hummer. I missed her immediately and have felt strangely lonesome ever since.
I was still surrounded by children and tasted little peace and silence until 8:17 pm, but still. So uncomfortably on my own. I confess it was even very much a discouraging day. Nothing too notable. I just let things get me down, and no adults were here to help me pick myself up. Ellie did her best, which is pretty admirable for a six-year-old. (That kid is so stinkin' mature and thoughtful. At least every day she compliments me on my motherhood and expresses sympathy for the hard work I put into my job. I continually remind her that I love my job and that she need not feel so culpable for her brothers' rowdiness or her mother's outbursts.)
Anyway, I intended to do some substantial blogging tonight. To catch up on some of the goodness that has filled or at least accented our lives as of late. However, I will be the only adult in the house come sunrise tomorrow so I best be prepared to make an appearance in the am.
Instead of document my own life, I spent a good spot of time tonight catching
up on everyone else's blogs. Loved it. Wish I'd take the time to
leave loving comments. It gave me a touch of adult contact, though,
that I needed today. I just kind of love people. Especially my
people. I remain convinced as ever that families and friends don't come
more lovable than my own.
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Sunday, April 22, 2012
it's good
She drains me in every way possible, but her smiles recharge my spirit and give strength to my weary bones. My only friend who is crazy enough to have four kids even closer in age than my own said once that her job is simply to keep her children alive. I figured that was some hyperbole. Well, I am discovering here first hand that... yeah, she exaggerated a little bit. But only a precious little bit! Just keeping us fed, uninjured, and where we need to be is a tall order, and it doesn't always happen. If someone gets a bath here or there, that's a bonus. I don't care what feminists say, stay-at-home-moming is not for the faint of heart! This is the real deal, folks, and it's tough. But I love it. Especially right now while all the kids sleep. =)
Tuesday, April 03, 2012
Today is Beautiful
So, I haven't blogged the past few weeks, but I have been investing daily entries into a different journal of sorts. It started with a Russian girl and an epiphany. No no, it started much, much earlier.
See, I have this inconvenient tendency to live in the future. I've completely forgotten the past (no really, I have a dreadful memory bank), and the present is stressful but more significantly, it's just not as awesome as my future, right? RIGHT?? I've been doing it for years and years, always living for the next holiday, the next baby milestone, the next evening of solitude. Well, I decided enough is enough and I'd like to try to live more fully in the present. I mean, my future is going to be awesome, no doubt about it, but my present is pretty awesome as well, and I don't want to miss out on it.
I've thought periodically about starting a gratitude journal of sorts for years, but of course never did. Then there was 2012. It's taken me three solid postpartum months to get on my feet again, meaning to feel like a humanoid and gain a glimmer of control over my house and children. After having Amelia, I just felt so so overwhelmed every day. I was expecting this, but it was still disheartening to feel hopelessly behind on so many responsibilities and projects and feel so unable to accomplish anything at all, like checking my email. Or washing my hair.
Making lists really worsened my plight. I recall several nights on which I'd stare blankly at my enormous list of goals and responsibilities and cry. I was really trying to be reasonable, and there was still no conceivable way I could do and be everything I should. I wasn't attempting to pursue hobbies, just attend to my children's basic needs as well as my own. But emptying the dish washer and reading to the kids 20 minutes a day was not about to happen when here we were at 6pm and I hadn't yet found time all day to go pee. I felt thoroughly discouraged, and very sorry for all of my children dealing with the reality of sharing their thinly spread mother with each other.
I wish I could say something magical changed my perspective and things turned happy and possible again. Really, though, things haven't much changed. I am, however, growing more and more accustomed to my new (lack of) routine and learning how much is reasonable to expect. For instance, before Amelia was born I'd have at least an hour or two each day to myself during which Charlie slept and the older kids were in school. Now I have learned to expect no personal time during the day and even into the evening, as Amelia's sleeping and eating habits have really yet to form any predictable pattern.
Days have gradually improved. A comforting realization that I consider often is simply that there is a season and a time for everything. Also that the season for making lists of your life goals is not when you're two months postpartum.
My more significant realization is this: there is a season for gratitude, and it is always. Tomorrow will be great, but today is also beautiful. So in my bedside journal, I record one thing that made my life beautiful today. Things like going to Target to buy at full price framed art I've been eying for some time and discovering it was on sale that week, or Charlie smugly humming primary songs as he dumps out the contents of my kitchen drawers, making it more difficult to be upset at him.
I like to think that God has a hand in my life each day, and pausing to reflect on the blessings of my day helps me realize how present he really is-- I didn't use to see joys like getting dinner on the table on time or sneaking in a short afternoon siesta as evidences of God's hand, but why wouldn't they be? It's humbling and exhilarating and mostly just makes me happy. Happy to be who I am, have what I have, and do what I do. That peace and affirmation is all I was really craving.
A sweet mama from Russia in the Thunderbird family club met Amelia for the first time at a potluck dinner. She has her own daughter about Charlie's age and it keeps her busy. She smiled at me as I attempted alone to rally my children from the four corners of the room and with a thick Russian accent exclaimed, "Wow. Four kids. You must be so..." As she paused, my stream of consciousness finished her sentence: exasperated? exhausted? mentally unstable? I would have responded affirmatively to any of these adjectives. But no. "You must be so.... happy," she finished.
I heard myself answer, "Yeah, I am." At that moment I was just being polite. But really, of course I'm happy. Of course I am.
See, I have this inconvenient tendency to live in the future. I've completely forgotten the past (no really, I have a dreadful memory bank), and the present is stressful but more significantly, it's just not as awesome as my future, right? RIGHT?? I've been doing it for years and years, always living for the next holiday, the next baby milestone, the next evening of solitude. Well, I decided enough is enough and I'd like to try to live more fully in the present. I mean, my future is going to be awesome, no doubt about it, but my present is pretty awesome as well, and I don't want to miss out on it.
I've thought periodically about starting a gratitude journal of sorts for years, but of course never did. Then there was 2012. It's taken me three solid postpartum months to get on my feet again, meaning to feel like a humanoid and gain a glimmer of control over my house and children. After having Amelia, I just felt so so overwhelmed every day. I was expecting this, but it was still disheartening to feel hopelessly behind on so many responsibilities and projects and feel so unable to accomplish anything at all, like checking my email. Or washing my hair.
Making lists really worsened my plight. I recall several nights on which I'd stare blankly at my enormous list of goals and responsibilities and cry. I was really trying to be reasonable, and there was still no conceivable way I could do and be everything I should. I wasn't attempting to pursue hobbies, just attend to my children's basic needs as well as my own. But emptying the dish washer and reading to the kids 20 minutes a day was not about to happen when here we were at 6pm and I hadn't yet found time all day to go pee. I felt thoroughly discouraged, and very sorry for all of my children dealing with the reality of sharing their thinly spread mother with each other.
I wish I could say something magical changed my perspective and things turned happy and possible again. Really, though, things haven't much changed. I am, however, growing more and more accustomed to my new (lack of) routine and learning how much is reasonable to expect. For instance, before Amelia was born I'd have at least an hour or two each day to myself during which Charlie slept and the older kids were in school. Now I have learned to expect no personal time during the day and even into the evening, as Amelia's sleeping and eating habits have really yet to form any predictable pattern.
Days have gradually improved. A comforting realization that I consider often is simply that there is a season and a time for everything. Also that the season for making lists of your life goals is not when you're two months postpartum.
My more significant realization is this: there is a season for gratitude, and it is always. Tomorrow will be great, but today is also beautiful. So in my bedside journal, I record one thing that made my life beautiful today. Things like going to Target to buy at full price framed art I've been eying for some time and discovering it was on sale that week, or Charlie smugly humming primary songs as he dumps out the contents of my kitchen drawers, making it more difficult to be upset at him.
I like to think that God has a hand in my life each day, and pausing to reflect on the blessings of my day helps me realize how present he really is-- I didn't use to see joys like getting dinner on the table on time or sneaking in a short afternoon siesta as evidences of God's hand, but why wouldn't they be? It's humbling and exhilarating and mostly just makes me happy. Happy to be who I am, have what I have, and do what I do. That peace and affirmation is all I was really craving.
A sweet mama from Russia in the Thunderbird family club met Amelia for the first time at a potluck dinner. She has her own daughter about Charlie's age and it keeps her busy. She smiled at me as I attempted alone to rally my children from the four corners of the room and with a thick Russian accent exclaimed, "Wow. Four kids. You must be so..." As she paused, my stream of consciousness finished her sentence: exasperated? exhausted? mentally unstable? I would have responded affirmatively to any of these adjectives. But no. "You must be so.... happy," she finished.
I heard myself answer, "Yeah, I am." At that moment I was just being polite. But really, of course I'm happy. Of course I am.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
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